I am stuck. Really, really stuck.
I’ve spent over a year working through the OBOD Bardic Grade. I’ve had some interesting experiences during this time (not all as a result of the course, but many related to it). I’ve done some hard work and loved what I’ve discovered as a result. I’ve learnt that, while I’m not sure whether OBOD is entirely my ‘thing’, there’s some good stuff there and a whole lot to learn from it.
And now I’m attempting to write the final review for the Bardic Grade, and – well, it’s not as easy as it sounds.
I kept a detailed journal while I was following the course. I took pictures during my
struggles forays rambles out into the land. My plan was to pair the pictures with written work based on my journal, and add other creative responses that I was inspired to include. Easy…
A lot of academic types talk about ‘imposter syndrome’ – known in the less-pretentious world as an inferiority complex based on the impression that you’re an ignoramus among knowledgeable types. In short, you feel like you’re faking it. I know imposter syndrome well from my studies. I didn’t expect it in my Druidry. I’ve done the course, so why can’t I write about it?
Every word I write feels like I’m making it all up for effect. I’m far too focused on sounding like I’ve got enough out of the course, on sounding like I’ve had spiritual experiences. I did. Realistically, those experiences were nothing special, and I’m not sure I was much changed between the beginning and the end of the course. But I did experience at least some of what I was supposed to. So why am I so desperate to prove it, primary school style? “What I Did On My Bardic Grade Course. This year I did the OBOD Bardic Grade course. It is a thing that you can do if you want to be a Druid. There are many parts to the Bardic Grade. There are some things to do with elements and some words to say and some stories about a boy who turned into a seed and got eaten…”
And you know what I think it’s (at least partly) about? That Word. Druidry. I resisted the term for ages, with its connotations of highly educated, deeply accomplished people, community leaders and judges and instruments of the gods. I’m still resisting it. I know that modern Druidry is not an attempt to reconstruct the roles of ancient Druids that we still keep around somewhere in our cultural memory – but I think I have to address the inheritance of those images, these concepts, in some way. I just have no idea where to start.
In the meantime, though, I should get back to the more immediate task. “Also on my Bardic Grade I went for some walks…”